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We proceeded to get high, and had some pretty good sex on the couch. He threw the condom into the trashcan that was the floor, and after like an hour of post-sex lounge-aroundery, I remembered I was supposed to be home because I had a new roommate moving in that day. My memory is one of the many reasons I avoid drugs like the plague these days.

So i grabbed my clothes in a hurry, and my new playmate walked me down to the train station, since he lived in an area where walking around smelling like sex and being off your face alone as a girl wasn't exactly a brilliant idea. It was some time during this walk that I realized his teeth weren't real. Probably because he stuck them out at me through his lips and scared me half to death. And then he proceeded to tell me that he had in fact, stolen the dentures from another guy, because his own teeth had rotted out due to excessive meth use.

Which actually explained a lot about the state of his apartment.

Maybe not, but at least he was a gentleman So we're waiting for my train, and being still not quite of sound mind, we start making out like idiot teenagers, and people all around us are backing away, giving me dirty looks. I shrugged it off, thinking "Pffft, I'm young and stoned. Then, I notice everyone on the train staring at me with their jaws dropping and whispering and pointing.

Again, I shrugged it off, thinking I was being paranoid. So I ran home from the train, to find my roommate had already brought in all her stuff and was unpacking. I ran upstairs to pee, and while I was sitting there, I noticed a used condom on the floor in front of me. I screamed for my roommate to come upstairs, which she did, and I said "What the fuck Jen, you moved in here like 4 hours ago and you're already fucking guys in the bathroom?? Jesus can't you keep it in your pants?? She just stared at me horrified, and said "Umm Maybe look at your pants.

I looked, and there was a HUGE jizz stain down the side of my calf. Really, really not my finest moment, but it was so hilarious I've never lost touch with that ginger guy. Firstly, I apologise for this Because it is gross and long. Some of you just might have seen this before, but I can prove it was me, I am the first to write this each time copied it was said the postee was the author. The original post went viral, and ended up as far as Russia and the US.

All from a small surfing site in a tiny corner of England. My first excuse is I had just split with my girlfriend, and being shallow - needed to move on I had an all expenses hotel room for two bought and paid for by the company I worked for. But first - let me explain about Ashley, the victim. She was a friends mum. I used to wank obsessively thinking of her. In their bathroom was the laundery basket and I swiped a pair of her knick-knicks. Droped em on my face and proceeded to 'buff my trophy' inhaling the mushroomy sent. Problem was I was in the friends house who's mum it was, and we were in bunk beads.

Russel, the friend below me was "Uh Stop talking you are ruining it Oh and cover your eyes! Fast forward 20 years or so, and I am in a hotel in Leeds. As I said I was recently single, so invited my mate Bulldog along. For those of you who know Bulldog, I asked all my proper mates but was too short notice. Bulldog fell off his bike as a kid, and has lots of scarring on his head where hair doesn't grow. He looks like he got chewed up by a dog - hence bulldog. I am drinking to forget the choice of idiot I have brought with me.

Bulldog eating his normal diet of pills! I was on about my 50th 'fuck off' - then Time had not been kind to old Ashley. She told me about her difficult break up I told her I used to wank over her at 13, and stole her panties. So I am flirting, getting tweaky and being a twat, waiting for my 51st fuck off.

She - to my total shock is flirting back. So, me, being all sensitive, I just wanted to shock a laugh out of her so I said, "How about you come upstairs and fuck me and my mate" She said So then, it turned in to a game of chicken as we walked to the lift. I had sobered up real fast. I am beginning to think this is a bad idea. It was a joke. After the Thailand debacle - I leaned that fantasy is better than reality. But I called it, and had way too much pride. You gotta know when to hold em and when to fold em.

In the lift, with its harsh overhead lighting - she was not pretty, sagging skin and yellow liver failure eyes. In the mirrored walls I could see Bulldog shuffling about with excited tension, playing with himself through his trouser pocket. It was repulsive, right there I should have hit the alarm button and fucked off. So, we get in my room. Of all the things you have read about me, this was by far the most awkward moment to date.

My old mate's elderly, liver failing mum, drunk.

Virgin Memoires: Finger Fucking Good (XXX Sex Novel)

My junkie mate looking like he is going to have a stroke and grinning like Forrest Gump, touching his cock through his pockets. All looking at each other like a western gun fight is about to start. Nobody actually tells you how these things get going, you just start making random small talk. I said "Chilly today isnt it" Bulldog: I had to say something sexy, and wild, but didn't know what to say - all nervous I honestly said the following I panicked and said the first thing t come to mind and it was a root vegetable.

Lucky for me - she didn't miss a beat and said "Yeah, let me put it in my oven" Bulldog was so amped his head went red with all the scars white, So - I thought, fuck it - get in first. Even that was awful, it was like a hovercraft drove over my face. Bulldog unbuttons his shirt, I get naked in a flash to beat him, go for the kill, bend Ashley over - cos I didn't want to do it face to face as she looked just like my 10 year old mate Russel - but with a vagina.

I harpooned myself in, so far so good. I am hammering away. For a short while it feels good and you forget the circumstances. I open my eyes and Bulldog right next to me — like a foot away looking right in my face. I didn't put any music on, so the only sound was like a dog walking through mud, only wetter, and my idiot mate right up in my face.

Naughty or Nice: Diana is a Sex Slave by Alexandra Scott

It was fucking huge. Like a comedy rubber, foot long, lady slaying monster dick. The noise was as it swung and slapped his thigh! He then starts wagging it about, trying to get blood in it cos it is too big to just 'wood up' like a normal-un. You know that old footage of the girl in Viatnam - running down the street naked, all burned from Napalm and screaming - that is how I felt right there.

Naughty or Nice: Diana is a Sex Slave

How the fuck am I supposed to compete with that? I am flapping a sub-standard baby dick and he is packing a monster!! I know us guys are insecure about the size of our cocks, but fuck me!! This ugly, fucking fat retard looking idiot, is swinging a giant cock about. Now, let me just clear up the size issue. Want to know how I know? Go into a sex shop. Never has a woman gone "Uhh, yeah - do you happen to have a sub-average size dildo? The only time you could by a cock my size, all small and ugly with an awkward kink like mine, it would be a novelty bottle opener.

Just standing there, losing my erection while looking at his - and still in mates mum. So I pull out. Something about my idiot mate and his giant cock killed the moment for me. Now - you think everyone fucks like you. You base your basic 'fuck technique' on porn, medium speed regular half second piston-like pumps. Bulldong as I now call him is naked but for shoes and socks. Still wagging it like he is going to smash her about the head with it. He closes in behind Ashley Him grappling the monster with both hands, it so big it would bend in the middle, Flop out and swing around.

He'd grab it again. Needless to say - she didn't say anything like that with me. I felt so shit. Curse my button mushroom-like cock. Then he started fucking - Christ it was awful to see. Grunting and squeels, and hammering away like it was a race, like three hits a second machine gun on auto, frenzy fuck. Bulldog is a big fatty fat, fat. He looked like a giant baby with a monster cock, fucking my mates mum. An image I will never forget - and the most traumatic I have yet to see.

All I could think is 'I forgot to make noises! Are you supposed to make noises? He's doing the sex noises and she seems to like it - not only has he a fantastic cock - he does noises! He then, like cave man, went 'Uunnhhhhhnnnghhhhuuuhhhhhhhhhggghh' and flopped on the bed, like a grizzly bear shot in the ass with a tranquilizer dart. I honestly thought, when pulled it all of that out of her - her liver would have shlopped out with it.

So - there I am. My freak mate, naked but for shoes - asleep on a bed. My mates mum bent over expecting me to perform, and me, in a hotel room. I wanted to die. Ashley looks over her shoulder at me "Come on baby - fuck me - gimmie that Turnip" I look at her pussy. Bulldog had ruined it. It was huge and stretched out of shape like she had just given birth.

I could have stuck both my hands in and still had enough room to shuffle a deck of cards! How the hell am I going to follow that? So I position myself behind her grab her ass, and eyes shut, I am thinking of as many sexy things as I can. Me trying to fuck her right there was like pushing a marsh mellow into a kebab.

I'm as hard as jelly. Then my hand slips. Bulldogs Junk is all over her and I have just put my hand in it! So I grab her skirt, pretending to massage her ass, and scoop it out of the way. No - nooooo nooooooooooo NO!! I have another mans cum on my hand. I was either going to me sick or cry. I just stared at it, horrified. I must have been there a while, as she turned around. She then started to blow my tiny baby cock - and that took my mind off it. In fact, a blowjob will pretty much take my mind off anything. I had restored some pride. So, Ashley bends over and I'm in. It's OK - feels good, I am doing the noises, working away.

She is making noises - probably sympathy noises but who cares, I am fucking. I was just getting into it, blocking out what I have just seen by remembering the best bits from my porn collection. I was all 'What the fuck was that? Did he throw a shoe at me? He has his back to me, but I can see he is up to something, fussing hard doing So absorbed at what he was trying to do - I stopped moving again. Nothing prepared me for what I was about to see.

His cock looked even bigger but horrible! Dark purple and blue, bulging with veins. All swollen, I though it might explode. Around the bottom, he had tied his shoe lace! Standing there - with his cock presented with a big shoe lace bow at the base. All the skin where tied was puckered up and white, then bulging twisted viens and engorged.

It was grotesque, like a giant purple gherkin. How the hell did he get hard again so soon? Must have been 5 minutes So again I am out. Bulldog - eyes bulging, just ramms it in. And then goes fucking nuts. Fucking like a psycho, angry fucking, grunting and shouting. All red n sweaty with glowing white scars.

It spooked the fuck out of me. It was loud enough that Ashley stood up. Me - feeling an even bigger twat "Oh I had become a spectator. So - I tried to tell em 'I fold - I'm out, fuck this, you are both fuckin freaks' but what I actually said was "Err Right after smoking Bulldog's mutant pole! She got close enough that I could smell Bulldog's onion knob stench on her breath!

So I pushed her off - harder than I meant, she fell back onto the bed and bounced off, onto the floor, smashing a lamp. Letting out the loudest fanny fart I have ever. I am sure it splashed my face. The whole affair was a nightmare. I grabbed my jeans and slept in the car. Brian--if you get get past the pubes, gingers are awesome.

They got a certain spunk lol. And yeah, sexy ginger boys exist. This one looked a little like a younger though probably not significantly younger Tom Waits, so maybe that influenced my perception a bit, but I still think he's a looker. We dont have sex anymore and unless she's willing to pull a weapon on me I doubt we ever will. Is it really so wrong to ask your lover to punch you?

Not really a story but all mine are boring. Happens when you spend your highschool years too fucked up on pills to even want to fuck though. Or just not being able to get any haha. To each their own, some girls make a lot of money beating the shit out of guys.

If a guy asked me to punch him I would, just because I never really punched anyone before. I don't have any good stories either, all my sex stories are sexy, not funny. Although I lost my virginity in the back of truck and the cops showed up, that was pretty funny. I was hanging out with a hot Romanian guy once and in his sexy accent he told me he could kill me and no one would ever know, though that was really more scary than anything else.

I stopped having sex in highschool for a couple years because there was a terrible syphilis outbreak in my school. Well, at least I stopped having sex with highschoolers. Ivan the Terrible never had a problem with his syphillis. You just gotta make it your own and roll with it when people say "I can smell your brain rotting" or add "The Terrible" after your name. Ahh Meatseeker that was very possibly the funniest thing I have ever read. I burst out laughing at the description of 'the scream'. I have lots of 'sex stories', but my 'funny stories' don't come close to any of these, but I'll contribute for the sake of being part of the group.

I was going through a 'public sex is awesome' phase. So I'm thinking of all these fun places to 'do it', you know: I decide I want to 'get closer to nature', so we decide to hit up the national park by my house. It's a pretty popular place, so we end up hiking for an hour, looking for a relatively deserted area to do the deed in. By the time we find a suitable place, we are sweating, panting, feeling like we are about to die, because said suitable place is on the top of a massive hill.

There are trees and shrub all around, but the top seems to have some sort of clearing--this means maximum privacy and minimum risk of insect and snake attack. So my boyfriend lies down and takes off his clothes, lies down on them so he doesn't get dirt all over his back.

I hike up my dress and hop on top of him and we start going at it. About three minutes in, I notice movement in my peripheral vision. It starts eating grass by my boyfriend's head. It too comes right up next to us, sniffing around. There are at least twelve fluffy white rabbits hopping about in close proximity. They seem to be dodging in and out of holes in the ground. It appears we decided to have sex on top of a rabbit warren. That in itself would have been fine, except that it also appears we decided to have directly next to a bike path. As evidenced by the fact that by the five minutes of sex mark, two cyclists have already passed us.

Luckily, they weren't looking down. We grit our teeth and keep going: We wanted to get back to nature, right? Nothing more natural than being surrounded by bunnies and being coated in the dust that is flying off the bike track as people ride past us. The next cyclist to pass notices us. He's going fast and I only get to see the 'o' form on his face by the time he's gone.

The next people to come by are a large group of cyclists. My boyfriend finishes, possibly to the sound of cheering. I'm sure the bunnies were applauding in their own way. We got up, dusted ourselves off, made the hike back home. Made for a lovely day in the park, certainly. I went to a party a guy I worked with was having, can't remember most of the night, except while walking home I dragged this cute bike courier with me, and I lived at least two hours from the party, walking, so we figured 'why wait? Within about 2 minutes we noticed just how horribly pointy all the twigs were, not to mention the sharp rocks all over the ground, I still have some scars from this night Being half cut though, we figured it was more important to finish our little escapade than, you know, worry about being covered in blood and dirt and having to walk another hour and a half.

Ah to be young again. I stopped what I was doing and said "seriously? The snoring noise continues, I look over, and on the other side of the tree there is a hobo passed out on a bench that we drunkenly managed to overlook. Apparently we had given him a little bedtime show before his rubbing alchohol kicked in. Sufficing to say, we never did finish, walked about 30 minutes drinking the beers I had in my purse, and then obliterated the rest of the night at some dive bar downtown.

Let's bring this thread back from the dead because people don't nearly talk about sex enough here. Okay, then how about your grossest weirdest sex story ever Skip to Main Content Area. Hello, if this is your first time here, login with Facebook or create a free account to get started. Otherwise, Click here to log in. All discussions Categories Achievements. Do you have an accomplishment you would like to have included in our monthly community roundup column? Upcoming Classes Jan 8: Short Story Mechanics with Richard Thomas.

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Want to Read saving…. Want to Read Currently Reading Read. Refresh and try again. Open Preview See a Problem? Thanks for telling us about the problem. Return to Book Page. Preview — Virgin Memoires by Alexandra Scott. He reached into the back of the car and pulled down the two back seats. Now the back included the trunk of the car. We climbed in the back and I was able to lie down all the way. Lying on my back I was able to see the sky through the back window.

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Ned climbed in on top of me. I loved all of his weight pressing down on me. His hands moved over me as I spread my legs and wrapped them around his waist. He untied my top and pulled it off me. I gasped when he kissed me on the neck. He kissed lower and lower until he took one of my nipples into his mouth.

I grabbed him by the hair on his head and grinded my hips against his. I was in heaven. Ned was too good at this. I felt like I could come just from him sucking my tits. I kept bucking my hips up against his. I could feel he was already hard. I wanted him so badly. He unbuttoned my pants with a free hand. He slid his hand down my pants and rubbed a finger over my mound. He rubbed my clit through my panties. I moaned and pulled his head back up to mine. I kissed him as intensely as I could and bit his bottom lip.

I was so turned on and so wet. Ned must have felt it while he was rubbing my pussy. He broke our kiss and pulled my pants and underwear off. I was completely exposed from the waist down. He leaned down and kissed my inner thigh. I gasped and arched my back as his kisses got closer to my cunt.